sun 17/01/2021 3:40 am

i don't have time for the bullshit in my head. i only have time for sunny.

sun 17/01/2021 3:05 am

i hate that big following = money, more or less, because it gets to my head SO fast. when i had only a few followers after the collapse of a notable art site it was so humbling and the peace was actually really nice. but now it's all noise again, and my ego is massive. i either feel like i'm a failure or (usually) like i'm a god. objectively i am not really that amazing, but i tell myself i am because i get this many likes, or because i get that much money that quickly if i put my mind to it. though in the end i'm often too tired, or too burnt out to utilize it anyway. i think i have about 77p to my name right now? that could probably be £70 real quick, but the thought of commissions makes me want to collapse. so.

and it all just.. turns me into such an asshole. i become such a contrarian and for what, exactly? i gain nothing from it. maybe i laugh at the time but afterwards i feel empty. i feel like i have some moral high ground, just because i'm big and i'm smart and i have this and any of my 'opponents' could 'never be me'. i was the same back then, too. i guess if left to be interacted with or to gain following i will never change. i'm so tired of thinking that i am my own celebrity. that i am above others.

all of it is just so tiring. i just want to lie low and take a break for a while. but i just.. can't really afford to. in terms of money or in just... stunt in my growth if i wanted to continue. if i don't keep going up i will crash. but do i want to crash? then again, every time i have before, i've ended up hating it and hating myself for sabotaging everything.

what else can i even do besides draw? music, maybe. i'm not that great though and i can't even sing, not even in the bad aesthetic way, i just can't. other than that i have nothing. i am undereducated. i am disabled in many ways. i don't have skills. it's the pandemic.

it feels like art is my only path but like. i don't know. i don't know if i want that path. i just don't know.

wed 14/01/2021 1:29 am

revamped an old page. ate a good stew. feeling much better..... i still have some unease, but i can hold it down.

i also digged through a bunch of omori image files earlier. one of the things i love most about rpgmaker games is taking them apart and looking at all the parts and how they work. unfortunately i don't think i can put it in the program and reverse engineer it because it's encrypted but that adds to the mystery. there's some really interesting stuff in there. god i love games like this

hghhghghg yeah. ending it there before i think too much.

wed 13/01/2021 9:51 pm

if that site were not crucial to me i would leave it right this moment, let me tell you.

wed 13/01/2021 6:06 pm

i'm not sure if i want to do this whole artist thing anymore.

like.. i don't know. art is supposed to be one of the only things that i actually love, and i guess usually it is. though making art and being an artist feels so different sometimes. i'm tired of having a brand. i'm tired of acting like a corperation. i'm tired of working for other people and i'm tired of not being able to run my mough lest i upset a twelve year old, giving them a strong enough vengance to denounce me to everyone, exiling me from any profit for the rest of my life. it's not my fault that everyone is so stupid.

i just want to breathe, i suppose. drawing for myself and without pressure can be fun. commissioned work is an actual nightmare, the entire process is gruelling and i can only ever enjoy it if i'm basically asked to do something which is practically identical to my personal work anyway. you would THINK that most of my clients would want that, but sometimes people ask me to draw the most polarizingly opposite things of my line of work and it's just baffling. and a little bit physically painful.

in any case, i really just want to give up sometimes. to be more of a shut in. maybe i'm tired of being stared at by over a thousand people. i can feel their eyes on me at all times. part of me loves it, because i feel that i deserve it, and because i know that i am special and talented and deserving of way more success than i have, but other times i just feel like a fraud. and more than anything, sometimes i just want everyone to go away. i find myself frequently purging my space of weirdos or just idiots. only a select few aren't irritating.

i've had this frustration with social media a lot recently - but what exactly else am i even meant to do? i'm definitely mentally disabled, somewhat physically disabled, always tired, always out of energy, a hater of teamwork, and i can't focus on anything. adhd treatment would help, but that won't immediately help me get the grades i should truly have, nor will it get me a job. and i will likely hate that too.

maybe i just wish i had 20k so i could sell really crappy ugly stickers and live off that while people eat that shit up. maybe.

tue 12/01/2021 4:12 am

i finished omori earlier and have been thinking about it ever since. new hyperfixation time let's.. go.....

well, finished the main part. i wanna do the other route at some point.

mon 11/01/2021: 8:09 pm

new page alert! it's pretty gay. originally all of the pages on this site were meant to be on the same layout but man... man.... it's so hard. i get ideas way too quickly and just cannot abandon them. thinking maybe i should make a cool layout for the buttons page... kind of button themed.... kind of pastelly space themed... it's coming to me

i really need to make an updates page itself... or maybe i could just slap those on the homepage like usual. that sounds better actually.

in any case, that's all the time i've got. my finger is HURTING and i've got to get back to playing OMORI on my emulated copy of Windows 10 via Parallels for macos Big Sur.

i'm also planning out a blog post. my first in a while... coming soon to a site near you.

mon 11/01/2021: 12:44 am

i kind of wish i had it in me to judge less quickly. like i most certainly DON'T or at least don't yet but it's so difficult for me to hold back. sure, i don't say anything to those that i think those things about, because i still have a shred of decency, and i know when something is wrong, but i suppose that i do still hold a ton of malice inside. i hope i can kill it off one day, but i doubt that i will. we'll see.

sun 10/01/2021: 2:51 pm

well, i have pushed on and am now awake at a reasonable time. it was a struggle but hey i'm glad to not wake up in the middle of dark because that's just one of my least favorite things ever.

for better or worse, i started omori recently. despite the fact that i've been dunking on it for about a month now. i have my reasons to dislike omocat and my reasons to dislike the game itself, and while it's not the most amazing game i've ever touched and is pretty cliche i must begrudgingly admit that it's better than i expected and yep, i am actually enjoying it. some kind of weird circle of fixation and complaining.

ultimately, i guess its bad points are really just nitpicks - besides the massive lag issue in some areas which i have never ever seen before in an rpg maker game, possibly due to me playing it on an emulated copy of windows, or possibly due to the excessive and unnecessary amounts of js plugins that it uses - but the rest is very much up to personal taste. i would probably have adored it unconditionally in 2011-2013, and maybe that's why i still cling on.

i miss the time of rpg maker games a lot. i know that like, there is no 'era' for these games and they still get made, but being a tumblr user in the early-to-mid 2010s who's obsessed with rpgmk indies is just a feeling that you can't quite replicate.

i hope someday i can put my multiple hours over tons of variations of the program to use and actually produce a game like i've always wanted to.

sat 09/01/2021: 6:XX am

i have had an okay sleep schedule for a little bit now and i was honestly actually proud of it. maybe it sounds like a stupid thing to proud of but between a. the pandemic and b. my ever present crushing tiredness i do not usually have a stable or typical wake-sleep cycle. that is just how it be. until then. but i messed up again, so oop, whatever. at least i have no obligations but i will be missing the sun when i wake up tomorrow to find it DARK as hell outside.

on the bright side, my lack of rest has resulted in me being able to get the Xth version of this site up (i don't know how many revisions i'm on by now, do not ask) and i am very proud of it... every time i redesign any of my sites i feel like it's the first time i've actually made a good one and that i was just kidding myself the whole time before. but at the same time i'm always so smugly proud about them. it's weird

but i do genuinely like this version a lot. thanks to whoever it was out there that had that banging linux customization that set my imagination on fire. you will never read this, but if you do, just know that i want your computer.

on another note i want to see if maybe journalling my feelings in my own space will make me feel better than hanging around on social media to do the same — i don't think it really works well for me. i guess i just wasn't really made for that kinda thing. i guess we'll see?